A Kevin and Bean Glossary

Bloodbath

Posted in Bloodbath, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

Early in Ralph’s acting career, he played the heavy in an After School Special involving athletes who were tempted to throw a game. In the final confrontation, when the hero decides to back out of the plan, Ralph’s key line is “you just made it a bloodbath.”

C.O.F.F.E.E.

Posted in C.O.F.F.E.E., Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

Ralph character Bruce Endicott is the head of “Caucasian Organization For Friendship Enveloping Everyone (C.O.F.F.E.E.)” an organization of white people dedicated to promoting racial harmony. Unfortunately, Bruce is behind the times and often makes well-meaning suggestions that are politically incorrect, if not completely racist.

Connery, Sean

Posted in Connery, Sean, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

As voiced by Ralph, the famous actor is a foul-mouthed, debauched and grumpy old man who loves to mock Kevin and Bean and anybody else who might cross his path.  Especially Daniel Craig, the actor currently playing James Bond.

Cruising Through Life

Posted in Characters, Cruising Through Life, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

Ralph’s impersonation of Tom Cruise hosts a call-in advice segment expounding the benefits of vitamins, excercise and homoeroticism. Ralph’s impersonation riffs on the interview that Cruise gave to Matt Lauer where he used phrases like “don’t be glib”, “I’ve done the research” and “____ is being used as a street drug”.

Garman, Ralph

Posted in Current staff, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

The Man of 1,000 Voices (Bush, Gore, Cruise, Pacino, Michael Jackson, the Pope, Jerry Lewis, Dylan are just some), Ralph covers the regular entertainment news segments and often acts as a substitute when Kevin or Bean is not present. He is also known to unleash hilariously bitter rants aimed at Kevin, Bean, 7-11 coffee lids, random celebrity stupidity, country music, and Joan freakin’ Rivers. A recurring joke at Ralph’s expense refers to his spending nearly 2 months filming “Two for the Money” with Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey, only to have all but a few minutes of screen-time cut from the movie. He is also a Philadelphia native and a rabid Philadelphia Eagles fan. Ralph is a collector of Batman-related memorabilia and pines for the day when the 60’s television when finally be released on DVD.

Ralph is the unofficial sex expert on the show as he previously worked for Playboy TV and dated a porn star. For some time he hosted a weekly segment on the show called “Sex U.” which attempted to address sexual issues in an earnest and informative manner. The segment became one of the most notable victims of the FCC crackdown following the Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction”.

How Great is Male Ass

Posted in How Great is Male Ass, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

Following the one-episode run of “Secret Talents of the Stars”, Ralph called in as George Takei, “Mr. Sulu” from Star Trek, and re-created his secret desire to be a country music singer. Ralph attempted a song that included homosexual references, but broke up on the line “How great is male ass”. Since then, the clip is played occasionally, especially when Takei or country music is brought up.

Jerry Lewis calls the President of France

Posted in Jerry Lewis, Legal trouble, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

In March 2003, the show caused international controversy when Ralph made a crank phone call to the office of French president Jacques Chirac while posing as Jerry Lewis. All were surprised when Chirac picked up the phone and began talking to “Jerry”. Lewis’s lawyers were quick to threaten with lawsuits and the bit has rarely been spoken of since. Though they appear to be under orders not to speak of the matter, Kevin and Bean have made oblique suggestions that Lewis “blackmailed” Kevin and Bean into making a contribution to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, the beneficiary of Lewis’ annual Labor Day telethon.

Loquecia

Posted in Characters, Loquecia, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

A feisty African-American hairdresser voiced by Ralph who calls in with recaps of whichever reality show is currently running, often pointing out how crazy white people are.

Murder Button

Posted in Murder Button, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

Reacting with disdain for the current Twittermania, Ralph suggested that the program should include an option to kill the person sending the tweet. In typical Kevin and Bean fashion, the concept has come to be a metaphor for other topics, such as when a caller wished a Murder Button on Ralph when he raged about the pronunciation of the words “saw” and “hawk”.

See also “Puppy Lake”.

On 5/26/09, the guys “interviewed” a Saudi man who had invented a remote control killing device which sounded remarkably like a Murder Button. The clip introduced the following sound effect of what a Murder Button must sound like when it is used…

Murder Button sound

Point for Cake

Posted in Bean, Money, Point for Cake, Ralph by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

A once-recurring bit titled “The Burning Question” featured staffers (usually Ralph and Money) debating a pointless topic while Bean would keep score of who was winning the contest. One such debate, ‘Which is better, cake or pie?’ lead to the catch phrases “point for cake” meaning something good and “point for pie” meaning something bad. Soon after the bit ran, a caller claimed that the phrases were being used on the set of The Shield and that guest star Glenn Close started using them herself.

Rock Me Amadeus

Posted in Ralph, Rock Me Amadeus by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

Ralph’s affinity for the 80’s pop song by Falco led to a string of listener-submitted stories that would give Ralph an excuse to play a clip from the song. When that song was eventually “retired”, Ralph moved on to classic hits such as “She Blinded Me With Science” by Thomas Dolby, “Heat of the Moment” by Asia and, on one occasion, Meat Loaf’s “Bat out of Hell”.

Despite Ralph’s irreverant take on entertainment news, the “Rock Me Amadeus” bit once led to Ralph becoming a hard-hitting journalist when he seized upon the opportunity to interview Falco’s drummer’s wife.  As with Ralph’s musical tributes, Kevin and Bean were not impressed.

Roland

Posted in Characters, Ralph, Roland by Aaron Burr on March 9, 2007

A science fiction and comic book geek voiced by Ralph, he always chimes in when the latest Spiderman or X-Men movie is released, or when some fanboy idol (i.e. William Shatner) is in the news. Known for living in his mother’s basement, camping out to see new movies, and for his encyclopedic knowledge of comic books, Star Wars and Star Trek.